The internalized voices of our parents or teachers etc. are so oppressive, so commanding and demanding. For example, let’s talk about weight situation for example. We have this internal commandment that sounds something like, “You should lose weight. Or you need to lose weight. Or you have to lose weight…”
SIMON – Or you shouldn’t be eating that candy…
WTB – Exactly. And then, of course, comes the internal tag-line, “you fat slob.” Reframing the internal command mode that triggers such automatic rebellion against the internal parent…I’ve never looked at it that way.
SIMON – I think we have this kind of internal conversation going on all the time. “Do this, don’t do that. You should do this, you shouldn’t do that. You’re this, you’re not that….” We keep playing to that audience, but that audience is never happy with us. Even if we do get straight A’s, the internal audience is still saying things like “Well, what’s next?” It drives us neurotic, and cripples our sense of enthusiasm and joyfulness and creativity. And so I think we have to identify that conversation. We have to go beyond it. We have to really ask ourselves “Do I really want to be continually driven by that script that someone else wrote for me?” And it’s my experience, and my core belief, that if we can quiet down some of that noise, some of that argument that’s going on all the time… Rumi had a great quote, he said. “Who am I in the midst of all this thought traffic?”
Every day I see that if we can quiet down and know who we are in the midst of all our thought traffic, that underneath there is some very beautiful soul that wants us to make good choices – not because we are afraid of punishment, or we are resisting, or there is some carrot being held out - but because “Hey, this is who I am. I want to take good care of my body, because I love life, and life is good; and eating healthy and exercising regularly and sleeping well is important for vitality and creativity … and I like myself!” Not because of any external mirror, but just because we are looking at ourselves.
It’s a very subtle shift – it seems almost too subtle sometimes, but I see it every day when I’m talking to patients about what’s really getting in their way. I ask them, “Where did you come from? What would your life be like if you weren’t constantly in reference to some external or internal voice? Who do you want to be?” And usually people say something like, “Well, what I really always wanted to do was this.” And I ask them, “What would it look like if you were doing that?” Suddenly this whole vision, kind of like a seed, just blossoms. And then that becomes the driving force of their lives and motivates change. It becomes our dharma, our purpose for being, not this intense compulsion to please something that can’t be pleased.
WTB – Or that we have to rebel against.
SIMON – It’s the same thing. Again, I see it so clearly with our children. Next > 1 2 3 4 5
